My job

News flash: I do not sit around all day eating chocolate and painting my nails. I know, it's hard to accept (for some) that being a mom is a job. And many people feel the need to disagree (mainly; the people who are not mother's). But I am here to tell you people, as someone who used to work 40+hrs/week and go to school full-time...being a stay at home mama is no joke. I once had a girlfriend over, back when Silas was still itty bitty, and she sat on my couch and looked at me and said, "what do you do all day?". I was taken aback. What do I do all day? Well, I do a lot of things. Mainly, I keep a little human alive. Ain't no thang...but, it is. I had another friend (a male) tell me that he would be more than happy to trade me places so that he could "hang out" at home all day. The thing is, you don't know what it truly is like until you live it. So can I blame them for not knowing the daily ins and outs of my life? No. Mother hood is hard. I did not go into being a mother completely naive. I did not think it was all cute outfits and snuggles. I knew it was going to be challenging and stressful, but wow. I did not know to what extent. And I think that goes for the majority of thing's you do in life that are new to you. Being a mama has it's rewards without a doubt, but it's the hardest thing I've ever done. And I am not afraid to admit that.

I am my baby's primary source for food (exclusively breastfeeding), comfort, diaper changes, entertainment, and snuggles for the majority of the day. My husband does a great job of taking over when he is home, but 5 days/nights a week I am the care taker from morning to night. Silas does not sleep through the night either so every 2hrs. I am usually up with him. I have gotten used to the aching feeling behind my eyeballs all day, but it really makes the day a challenge. Also, exclusively breastfeeding does not allow me the freedom that most mama's get who bottlefeed. I know that it's my choice to make when it comes to that, but I enjoy breastfeeding and I love the bond that Silas and I have developed from it. He's almost 9 months old so I know that it will taper off soon and I'll have a little more leeway.

I guess what I am trying to get across is that this life I've chosen is amazing and hard and tiring and rewarding and beautiful. It is all of those things at any given moment. But, it's hurtful to know that there are people (maybe even friends) who think that it's all fun and games up in here and that I spend my day's lazily watching TV (we don't have one) and drinking cocktails. Having a baby is not like having a puppy. I am forever thankful for this time I spend with my baby, because I know he won't be this young forever, but It's just an odd feeling to have to defend that decision to people.

My support system here in Portland is minuscule. I have my sister (thank god), but my family isn't here. I have yet to really establish a group of girlfriends that are really a concrete part of my life. This coupled with breastfeeding means that my "alone" time is pretty much non-existent. I am constantly fighting the battle in my head of wanting to get away for a little bit and wanting to be with my baby at all times. It's a tough call and all I can hope is that I am making the right choices for my family. I think that is all anyone can ever ask. Whether those are the choices you would make personally isn't really an opinion that you should voice out loud. Plenty of mama's out there do what I do. And plenty of them do it with more little humans running around. Are we performing surgery for 10hrs? No. But my god...we sure are doing something important.