Is it bed time yet?

6am selfie which I totally intended to send to a girlfriend who wants to start a family with the caption "Don't do it." I know, I know, I'm a being a brat.

I don't really have a lot of "mom friends". That is to say, most of my girlfriends are still soaking up all that their 20's have to offer and they get a full 8 hrs of sleep. Can you tell I am writing this while having a bad day? I don't mean for it to sound harsh, I swear. I love being a mama. I really do. Over the past few months though I have just really come to see how insane of an emotional roller coaster it is. Just yesterday I thought to myself, "Wow, I love this stage that Silas is at. He is just the sweetest and cutest." And then, days like today I am just praying that the hours will zoom past me so I can put this kid to bed and maybe have a few minutes to myself. 

Girlfriends often mention to me that they are "Thinking of starting a family" or contemplating diving into this crazy world. My first reaction is always sweet and coaxing, "Oh yeah, it's amazing! You should totally do it!". But let's get honest here, sometimes in the back of my mind I have a little voice screaming, "Don't do it! If you like sleep, a clean house, and date nights with your lover, stay where you are!". And I think that sort of encompasses this world I now live in. The majority of my days are spent loving on the sweetest little boy ever. Playing in the park, swimming, laughing, building block towers and knocking them down. But, there are days where I am constantly pulling my hair out, trying to get him to eat something, stopping him from ripping our cats fur out, all while thinking about what my husband and I are going to eat for dinner. It's hard. It's easy. It's fun. It's horrible. What a trip, huh? 

I write this because I just can't imagine what life will be like x2 and it's been weighing heavily on my mind, especially days like today where I can't get my sh*t together. How will I manage? Sometimes I am barely holding on and other days I feel like I've got this down to a science. When I contemplate all of this I can't help but just feel sad that my own mother isn't here to help me out, show me her ways. I've essentially been flying solo for 16 months, no one to call to babysit or help me out while I run to the grocery store and that kind of loneliness is just something I have never experienced before. I haven't lived near home in almost 10 years and it has never bothered me until now. I know that once my babies are a little older and I can drop them off at activities that I will get the alone time I am craving, but I also can't help but feel like wishing for those days to come sooner so that I can have that is hindering my ability to enjoy what I've got now. Almost like because I don't have that family nearby to lend me their extra hands I'm missing out on enjoying my babies to the fullest. If only...right?

Time to enjoy coffee + chocolate while my monster child naps. Sometimes it just feels good to get a good bitching session in.

PS. I totally condone my friends joining me in baby land. Please. So that you can understand why I am unable to hang out at 8pm at night. Thanks!