» FORMERLY SMITH

Random post, coming atcha. The last few months have been insane. Like, I've been going insane. I sort of feel like we are coming out of this intense dark cloud that has been hovering above. Felix's birth could not have been anymore perfect, so I was really surprised to have felt the pains of PPD (post-partum depression) afterwards. But I did. And no, I haven't sought out help, which is a big no no. It has been intense and not pretty. I think it mainly stemmed from being completely overwhelmed with Silas's behavior and his disdain for Felix added to the fact that I was completely alone in caring for these two little ones. I was incredibly sad that he didn't show immediate love towards this new little baby, but I was even more so by the fact that he flat out seemed to hate me. Well, he hated me, but loved me so much that he didn't want to share me with anyone. It was nuts. Screaming all day, every day. At the top of his lungs. Hitting the cats. Hitting me. Throwing these epics scream fits every time I nursed Felix. I felt like a prisoner when I was home with him. I walked on egg shells. Some days were better than others, but for the most part we started our day with a meltdown over something as simple as me cutting up his waffle for him, and it would just spiral downward. Post-partum is a really crazy time in a woman's life. And I think it's safe to say that the care we receive after childbirth is pretty shitty. I mean, my husband went back to work 4 days after I had Felix. I was too nervous and ashamed (for some reason or another) to really tell my midwives that I felt out of control. Everyone wants to love on you when the baby is in your belly, and yet no one really gives two shits to come by after. Like I said, I finally feel like I am getting back to being ok. But it was hard there for a while. More than hard actually, it was terrifying. So if you know a new mama or someone who is about to have a little babe, all I can say is you need to be there for them. Offer everyday if you can to do something for them. Tell them you are there are for them. Do the laundry for them, bring them food, babysit their other child. Something. Something other than coming over and sitting on their couch and holding the newborn. That is the last thing they need.

So, onto other things that aren't so "waah waah". My babies! They are gorgeous little humans who are driving me sort of bonkers, but I love it. Felix is at my most favorite baby stage at the moment. The one where they are fat, and giggle, and smile at you all the time, and you can sort of stop being super careful with them because they aren't so fragile anymore (I am a nuzzle kisser, I like to get all up in his face). He weighs a wopping 17.5 (holy shit!) pounds. It's funny, because I always tell Nick that this kid is the absolute worst breastfeeder in the world, and here he is weighing an insane amount. He is a difficult little dude on the boob. We battled a super crazy tongue and lip tie in the beginning, and after that was resolved things were great. Now he is on a nursing strike and pretty much hates when I put the nipple in his face. I actually fed him a bottle a week ago (of breast milk) and as I was doing it, I realized that it was my first time ever feeding a bottle to a baby. Sort of weird/funny. Other than that annoying little bump in the road, he is rolling over like a champ and doing the magical "I set you down here, and now you're over here" move. I give him a month before he starts crawling. Lord help us!

Silas. Oh man, my little dude. He has just had a really crazy 9+ months and I have felt awful for him. Around 16 months he was waking up in the middle of the night screaming for what felt like hours. You couldn't touch him, he was just a mess. It hasn't really stopped, but it doesn't happen every night and when it does we can usually get him to chill out pretty fast. I truly believe that me pushing him to wean (I wasn't making any milk) had a lot to do with all of this behavior, and of course that lead to major mom guilt. When Felix came along and he saw my breastfeeding you should have seen the look in his eyes. I mean, he was pissed off. He did not want me doing it at all. Obviously, I couldn't really explain to him that his brother needed it. It was really a hard couple of months getting over that. Now, he's really ok with it and thinks that nipples are funny (weird). His sleep is still horrific and I pray all the time that he will sleep through the night. The 3 days after his 2nd birthday he slept without waking up once. And I was like "holy shit, is this really happening?!". Buuuuut it was too good to be true and we are back to a few wake ups a night. He's in our bed co-sleeping again and I think that it really has helped with the jealousy towards Felix. He's now acknowdaging that Felix is actually here and has started interacting with him and making him laugh and it makes me so happy I could cry. Love my boys!

Felix. Little chunk. Well, not little whatsoever, that guy is enormous. 17.5lbs of pure baby chunk and I love it. He is so big, seriously. He's a really sweet, sweet boy. He smiles at everyone, which is the opposite of what Silas did (he had intense stranger anxiety). I feel like he is going to be on the move sooner rather than later, so that is going to be interesting to navigate. At the moment we are struggling a bit with breastfeeding, but I am confident it will pass. I mean, I make more than enough milk so this kid is not going to convince me to bottle feed exclusively or give formula. The boob is all yah get, kid! He is also sleeping in the bed with us, which is totally the opposite of what Nick and I had planned, but I love it. He is the best snuggler and it really just makes night time feedings a breeze. I thought we were well on our way to getting him to sleep through the night, but he's waking up usually twice, which is fine since he is so easy to get back down. I love this little guy so much, he is a sweet little old soul.

Alright, photo bomb coming at yah.

Another week gone by, another week with no dairy. Crying over here. I am really craving it for some odd reason. Like yogurt, I would kill to have a bowl. You always want what you can't have though... I am proud of myself though for eating super well this week. Although, I went to my 6week postpartum check up and the scale said ZERO lbs lost. Which sort of freaked me out. I am definitely not one who uses a scale on the regular, I gage my weight by how I feel and how my clothes fit (which at the moment is not well aka I am still wearing maternity leggings). Still though, I was a little bummed. Here are some shots of the meals and snacks that went down this week. If you want some more clean eating meal ideas check out my post last week.

Kale sautted in olive oil with garlic + ginger + soy sauce. Pomegranate seeds. Avocado. Wheatberries.

These rice cakes are GOOD. Tamari + seaweed rice cake. Avocado. Sea salt.

Sauteed veggies. Steak marinated in soy sauce. Rice. Which I jsut recently heard that brown rice actually isn't better for you. I need to find a good article with the facts.